One is the loneliest number
It's late - later than I can usually manage to stay awake ordinarily - but I have all these random thoughts dancing through my head.
I keep thinking about our little boy. It's nothing and it's everything; I can't put my finger on just one thing. Maybe I reopened some wounds this evening while visiting a good friend. Conversation, at one point or the other, turned toward Ryan, and as happy as I am to talk about him, that talking stirs up a lot of powerful emotions. And, now that I'm home and it's late and the house is quiet, I've realized that I'm not as well equipped to deal with such potent feelings as I had thought I was.
I'm sure the two glasses of wine didn't help matters, either.
Regardless, I'm feeling very empty and alone and not at all looking forward to yet another childless holiday. My period is just around the corner - another stark reminder of how far I am from where I want to be. I want nothing more than to hold my own child in my arms, but it seems that that dream is impossibly out of reach.
I guess a lot of this is also about being lonely. I have Mike, yes, but no other family. Everyone who came before and after me is gone, and it's just me now. It's a weird feeling to know with almost complete certainty that I am the last of my family and once I'm gone, it's over. There is no legacy to be carried on. There won't be anyone to know or remember my precious little boy and all the ways he struggled to live for a mere 54 hours. There will be no one to pass along family stories or photo albums or cherished recipes.
Maybe I can chalk up some of this emotion to the fact that, besides tonight's alcohol consumption and my impending period, I'm recovering from a horrible bout of seasonal allergies. And, when I say "allergies," I'm not talking about just sneezing and itchy eyes. I've been ill the majority of the week with a fever, laryngitis, and a terrible cough that still tests my bladder control - all the while worrying and wondering if I'd be stricken with something more serious. Not a fun week.
See? I'm a heaping mess of nothing and everything tonight.
I think I'll do a shot of Nyquil, slip into my jammies and into my cozy bed, and hope I can sleep myself out of this unsettling state I'm in.
I keep thinking about our little boy. It's nothing and it's everything; I can't put my finger on just one thing. Maybe I reopened some wounds this evening while visiting a good friend. Conversation, at one point or the other, turned toward Ryan, and as happy as I am to talk about him, that talking stirs up a lot of powerful emotions. And, now that I'm home and it's late and the house is quiet, I've realized that I'm not as well equipped to deal with such potent feelings as I had thought I was.
I'm sure the two glasses of wine didn't help matters, either.
Regardless, I'm feeling very empty and alone and not at all looking forward to yet another childless holiday. My period is just around the corner - another stark reminder of how far I am from where I want to be. I want nothing more than to hold my own child in my arms, but it seems that that dream is impossibly out of reach.
I guess a lot of this is also about being lonely. I have Mike, yes, but no other family. Everyone who came before and after me is gone, and it's just me now. It's a weird feeling to know with almost complete certainty that I am the last of my family and once I'm gone, it's over. There is no legacy to be carried on. There won't be anyone to know or remember my precious little boy and all the ways he struggled to live for a mere 54 hours. There will be no one to pass along family stories or photo albums or cherished recipes.
Maybe I can chalk up some of this emotion to the fact that, besides tonight's alcohol consumption and my impending period, I'm recovering from a horrible bout of seasonal allergies. And, when I say "allergies," I'm not talking about just sneezing and itchy eyes. I've been ill the majority of the week with a fever, laryngitis, and a terrible cough that still tests my bladder control - all the while worrying and wondering if I'd be stricken with something more serious. Not a fun week.
See? I'm a heaping mess of nothing and everything tonight.
I think I'll do a shot of Nyquil, slip into my jammies and into my cozy bed, and hope I can sleep myself out of this unsettling state I'm in.
Labels: loneliness
posted by Sherry @ 4/07/2007 11:51:00 PM
3 Comments:
At April 08, 2007 10:48 AM,
L said…
I don't know if this will help much, especially considering the fact that I am a complete stranger, but I will remember Ryan. Your blog was the first I ever read and it got me blogging.
I hope you will write more. Your voice is important.
I wish there was something else I could say. I am thinking of you.
At April 09, 2007 8:38 AM,
Lori said…
I will always remember your sweet boy. He will never be forgotten. (((hugs)))
At April 10, 2007 1:34 PM,
msfitzita said…
I will never forget Ryan either. Little things often suddenly make me think of him, and it makes me feel cozy and safe to know that he is with my Thomas - because I believe they are together. I will always think of them as angel friends. And I will always think of you as an angel friend too.
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