Never

While doing the breakfast dishes today, it occurred to me just how much I'll forever be missing with Ryan - milestones we'll never, ever reach together.

I'll never ...

... change his diaper.

... see him roll, crawl, walk or run for that very first time.

... hear his sweet voice utter "mama" or "dada."

... hear - what I imagine would be - his innocent and devilish laughter.

... be able to kiss away the pain and tears from his first boo-boo.

... be able to tuck him in warmly and safely at bedtime after reading him a bedtime story.

... be able to teach him to ride a two-wheeler.

... walk hand in hand with him.

... wave goodbye to him on his first day of school.

... be able to play Tooth Fairy to him.

... see him in any school plays or visit his classroom.

... watch him grow up.

... see him go off to college or get his first job.

... be able to teach him to drive.

... see him get married and have children of his own, my grandchildren.

... be able to be anything more than what I was during those two short days of his life, which was barely more than an observer.

I fucking hate all the things we'll never, ever get to share. I hate that it never got beyond 40 joy-filled weeks and two gut-wrenching days.