It's just not just

I'm so fed up with the complete unfairness of life.

I realize that everyone has their own drama which, to them, is more important than anyone else's drama. We all suffer varying degrees of loss and disappointment throughout our lives. And, I know that everyone's drama is subjective, gauged as greater or lesser in significance than that of others; I believe this comparison to be human nature and none of us are flawed or wrong by believing our circumstances are worse than anybody else's.

But, in my opinion, from my experience and from talking with other people, there are certain things that happen to you that automatically put you in an unfortunate league of your own.

Having your newborn die is one of those things.

I've dealt with a lot of shit in my life, most of which I have had no control over. But, Ryan dying was by far the worst thing I have ever experienced and left me feeling more helpless and hopeless than all of my other life experiences combined. And, I'm left wondering if I did something so awful and unforgivable to deserve such unending pain. I'll never know, will I? I can only speculate as to why or accept reassurances from others that the Powers That Be don't dole out rewards or punishment in that manner.

I just wish I knew how the cosmic gods do decide what happens to whom. Is it the flip of a coin or the roll of a die? Do we get what we have coming to us, i.e., what goes around comes around? Does the payback rule apply only if you've wronged others, or is it applicable even when you've led a virtuous life?

I really don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I'm only entitled to a tiny glimmer of happiness while others bask in a lifetime of its glory. I have a relatively happy and healthy existence with my adoring husband, but there will always be a huge void - that vast hole left by Ryan's unexpected death.

How is it that some people lead seemingly charmed lives - few disruptions or disappointments - while others have to fight and claw for every shred of good in their lives? Again, I just don't and can't understand.

There are other mommies in my unfortunate position who want nothing more than to be blessed with another pregnancy, and yet it seems to be a losing, uphill battle. Month after month, there's more letdown shoveled onto an already massive pile of sadness and dashed hopes.

We want a healthy baby that comes into this world in an uncomplicated manner and manages to go home safely and happily. And, shouldn't those who've suffered so much be granted some sort of leniency in accomplishing that task? Is that too much to ask?