Who ever said life was fair?
It's been one of those days.
Try as I may, I cannot get a grip today. I have one thought of my sweet little boy and I'm immediately on the verge of tears. I'm usually thinking about good things, but it turns to the horrible outcome and then the waterworks begin.
Mike and I both have been having a hard time the last two days. There will be random incidents or reminders that hit us like a truck, almost knocking us to the ground emotionally. It takes so much energy just to get through what used to be a normal day. Hell, I don't even remember what "normal" is anymore!
We tried to distract ourselves by visiting one of our favorite stores for birds and outside critters. We had been looking for a new birdhouse and finally found one that will be perfect for bluebirds, who have been hanging out in our yard the past few months. He and I both feel more attached to our outside family of critters since Ryan died. Maybe it's because we're both still looking to provide nurturing and care to someone or something, and it seems that the critters appreciate our attempts at making our yard pleasing for them.
While we were at the store, I was also trying to get inspiration for Ryan's memorial garden, which I plan to start either this fall or in the spring. I already have several gardens, but I want this one to be completely different, just as Ryan was. When I would allow myself to think ahead and wonder how different my life would be as a mom, I would always see myself and Ryan - he as my little garden gnome - in the garden, planting for the future. When I go to my gardens now, I'm consumed by loneliness. I had grown so accustomed to gardening with my little "gnome," and it's just not the same without him helping and inspiring me.
Damn ... it's just not fair. I'm supposed to be celebrating a new life and complaining of sleepnessless, not mourning the death of my infant son and pretending to be okay to the outside world.
Try as I may, I cannot get a grip today. I have one thought of my sweet little boy and I'm immediately on the verge of tears. I'm usually thinking about good things, but it turns to the horrible outcome and then the waterworks begin.
Mike and I both have been having a hard time the last two days. There will be random incidents or reminders that hit us like a truck, almost knocking us to the ground emotionally. It takes so much energy just to get through what used to be a normal day. Hell, I don't even remember what "normal" is anymore!
We tried to distract ourselves by visiting one of our favorite stores for birds and outside critters. We had been looking for a new birdhouse and finally found one that will be perfect for bluebirds, who have been hanging out in our yard the past few months. He and I both feel more attached to our outside family of critters since Ryan died. Maybe it's because we're both still looking to provide nurturing and care to someone or something, and it seems that the critters appreciate our attempts at making our yard pleasing for them.
While we were at the store, I was also trying to get inspiration for Ryan's memorial garden, which I plan to start either this fall or in the spring. I already have several gardens, but I want this one to be completely different, just as Ryan was. When I would allow myself to think ahead and wonder how different my life would be as a mom, I would always see myself and Ryan - he as my little garden gnome - in the garden, planting for the future. When I go to my gardens now, I'm consumed by loneliness. I had grown so accustomed to gardening with my little "gnome," and it's just not the same without him helping and inspiring me.
Damn ... it's just not fair. I'm supposed to be celebrating a new life and complaining of sleepnessless, not mourning the death of my infant son and pretending to be okay to the outside world.
posted by Sherry @ 9/10/2005 08:19:00 PM
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